Wednesday, June 23rd

You know when you watch a movie about a terminally ill child and you see the pain the mother is in? To a small degree, I felt that tonight. All I could do is go sit outside in the beautiful night air and cry as my heart ached for Brooke.

I got a call from the anesthesiologist during dinner just confirming her appointment at the dentist office for tomorrow. He asked me to tell him about Brooke so I did. Apparently I said too much. He said he wanted to do some research on her deletion and call me back. A few hours later I get a message saying he's not comfortable putting her under and he recommends her dental work be done in a hospital where they can keep her overnight. What???? So I call him back and have a half hour discussion on why I disagree with him. "There's just not enough information on her condition". So what? To me that's not a valid reason. "Her low muscle tone could result in her aspirating if she were to throw up after she wakes". Very unlikely, especially since she's not allowed to eat or drink anything before going in. "You said she has some respiratory issues which is a red flag to me." I still don't see how that plays a big part in his concern.

So now what? We've been waiting a month for this. It's 8:30 the night before her appointment and now what do I do? Do I have to find another dentist that works in hospitals? How long does it take to get a hospital appointment? What do I do in the meantime with her tooth ache? How much is this going to cost? Is keeping her overnight for observation for 2 baby root canals and 5 fillings really necessary?

And then when I think about the trauma this experience will cause her, that's when I want to cry again. I have already had sleepless nights worrying about taking her in to the dentist office and getting the work done. I can't even imagine trying to keep her in a hospital bed and expecting her to understand what's going on.

So I guess the feelings of "why does she have to go through this" allow me to empathize with those parents of terminally ill children. Maybe all parents ask that question. But I think it's different than asking why your typical 13 year old struggles with stuttering or why math doesn't come easily to your 11-year-old. So why is it different? Cancer, Down's, del 9q34.3...these kids are different. Special. They don't complain. They are innocent. She's asleep on the couch, drooling all over her shirt, hair stuck from sweat to her forehead, so perfect, yet unable to sit in a dental chair and have cavities filled. And not being able to explain to her what's going on...why her tooth hurts, why she'll have to fast, why she'll have to go to a new dentist and then the hospital, and why her mouth will be sore, and why it will feel funny to bite. I don't like having a broken heart.