You know when you watch a movie about a terminally ill child and you see the pain the mother is in? To a small degree, I felt that tonight. All I could do is go sit outside in the beautiful night air and cry as my heart ached for Brooke.
I got a call from the anesthesiologist during dinner just confirming her appointment at the dentist office for tomorrow. He asked me to tell him about Brooke so I did. Apparently I said too much. He said he wanted to do some research on her deletion and call me back. A few hours later I get a message saying he's not comfortable putting her under and he recommends her dental work be done in a hospital where they can keep her overnight. What???? So I call him back and have a half hour discussion on why I disagree with him. "There's just not enough information on her condition". So what? To me that's not a valid reason. "Her low muscle tone could result in her aspirating if she were to throw up after she wakes". Very unlikely, especially since she's not allowed to eat or drink anything before going in. "You said she has some respiratory issues which is a red flag to me." I still don't see how that plays a big part in his concern.
So now what? We've been waiting a month for this. It's 8:30 the night before her appointment and now what do I do? Do I have to find another dentist that works in hospitals? How long does it take to get a hospital appointment? What do I do in the meantime with her tooth ache? How much is this going to cost? Is keeping her overnight for observation for 2 baby root canals and 5 fillings really necessary?
And then when I think about the trauma this experience will cause her, that's when I want to cry again. I have already had sleepless nights worrying about taking her in to the dentist office and getting the work done. I can't even imagine trying to keep her in a hospital bed and expecting her to understand what's going on.
So I guess the feelings of "why does she have to go through this" allow me to empathize with those parents of terminally ill children. Maybe all parents ask that question. But I think it's different than asking why your typical 13 year old struggles with stuttering or why math doesn't come easily to your 11-year-old. So why is it different? Cancer, Down's, del 9q34.3...these kids are different. Special. They don't complain. They are innocent. She's asleep on the couch, drooling all over her shirt, hair stuck from sweat to her forehead, so perfect, yet unable to sit in a dental chair and have cavities filled. And not being able to explain to her what's going on...why her tooth hurts, why she'll have to fast, why she'll have to go to a new dentist and then the hospital, and why her mouth will be sore, and why it will feel funny to bite. I don't like having a broken heart.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Wednesday, June 23rd
We have been looking forward to this day for months...the Last Day of School! I was so excited I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. Actually that happens a lot and can be a little frustrating. At least I have been falling asleep easily which is usually more frustrating.
Brigham is especially glad that this will be his last day with Mrs. Dresser. Yesterday he came home from school with a big blue ribbon pinned on his shirt for winning the 50-yard dash against all the 3rd graders, but the first words out of his mouth were, "this is the worst day of my life!". Since I hear that several times a week, it doesn't mean anything anymore. But I was surprised when he started crying telling me how he only received a certificate instead of a bronze, silver, or gold medal for the Olympic Reading Challenge he's been working on all year. I called Mrs. Dresser so she could explain to us how that happened. I guess since he came into the school year late, he missed all those days of reading. Brittany's teacher didn't dock her those points, but I guess we shouldn't expect Mrs. Dresser to be fair. And then Brigham thought he only needed to read 20-30 minutes a day since that is what each monthly calendar stated, but on the phone she told me 40 minutes and acted like she had no idea what I was talking about when I told her all the calendars said differently. I could go on and on, but it will just make me more upset. And then Brittany brings home the yearbook and we find that Brigham's picture isn't in there. He tells me when they came around to his class asking for anyone who didn't have their picture taken yet, he raised his hand and told Mrs. Dresser he needed to but she wouldn't listen to him. I know that probably sounds silly, but I've been in her classroom and can totally see how that would happen...and does happen every day. Just one more reason I am so glad today has finally come!
There's a 5th Grade Memories slide show this morning that I'll get to attend. All the schools let out at 12:05 so Ben and Austin Cook will walk to Subway for lunch. After Brooke gets home, we'll pick them up and then head to the 5th grade pool party. I wanted to do something special for Brigham for surviving this year but with everything else going on (and Barr gone again tonight with a work meeting) and a YM/YW pool pool party tonight I need to go to, all I could do was let him invite a friend to come with us this afternoon to the 5th grade party.
Barr just asked if I wanted to go run with him. Yes, but I need to be showered and ready to go by 6:45 so that I can get all the kids ready and out the door by 7:40. He usually doesn't take into account how long things take. We wouldn't get back from runnng until after 6:30 which would leave me 10 mintues to get ready. Then again he's never gotten all the kids ready for school before. Lunches to pack, breakfast to make, backpacks to get ready, Brittany asking advice on the 4 different outfits she'll try on, getting Brigham's hair to lie down, trying to get Brooke to eat her breakfast and let me do her hair. It's crazy here for that 45 minutes, but I love doing it.
There are people visiting Scotts this week so there are work activities every evening. Last night they all went to an Angels/Dodger game. I'm glad he got to do that, but honestly it would be easier on me if he were out of town rather than showing up to sleep and then waking up to exercise and leave again. At least I don't have to fix a big dinner this week! And he brought me home left overs Monday night.
We have been trying to have Amanda Sheetz over to meet with the missionaries for 2 weeks now. She has cancelled on us 3 times because things have come up. Even though she says she's not trying to get out of it, it's hard not to wonder. We now have it scheduled for Monday evening. Hopefully this time it will work!
About a month ago the Elders challenged us to invite 2 nonmembers to hear the discussions. I talked with Janet Kerkow about coming over, but she politely passed. We've been praying to know who is ready, but still haven't found the right one. Maybe Amanda is.
Tomorrow is Brooke's big dentist appointment where she gets put under anesthesia and has 2 root canals and 5 fillings. She's not scheduled until 11:00 so can't eat or drink anything all morning. That's going to be so hard since she won't understand why. I'm really nervous about tomorrow, but after her screaming Saturday night because of tooth pain, I'm also ready for her to get this done.
Saturday we had Barr's seminary class over for an end-of-the-year party. They were a little crazy. After the find the candy in the plate of whipped cream game, 2 of the girls totally got into a whipped cream fight, rubbing it all over each other. That turned into a major water fight which lasted almost an hour. Everyone had to get in the hot tub to warm up after getting soaked with hose water. They seemed to have a good time, but Brooke was hysterical with all the yelling and "fighting". I thought it was nice that Barr wanted to have a party for them.
Brittany's up and it's only 6:07. She must be excited for today too! Time to go shower....
Brigham is especially glad that this will be his last day with Mrs. Dresser. Yesterday he came home from school with a big blue ribbon pinned on his shirt for winning the 50-yard dash against all the 3rd graders, but the first words out of his mouth were, "this is the worst day of my life!". Since I hear that several times a week, it doesn't mean anything anymore. But I was surprised when he started crying telling me how he only received a certificate instead of a bronze, silver, or gold medal for the Olympic Reading Challenge he's been working on all year. I called Mrs. Dresser so she could explain to us how that happened. I guess since he came into the school year late, he missed all those days of reading. Brittany's teacher didn't dock her those points, but I guess we shouldn't expect Mrs. Dresser to be fair. And then Brigham thought he only needed to read 20-30 minutes a day since that is what each monthly calendar stated, but on the phone she told me 40 minutes and acted like she had no idea what I was talking about when I told her all the calendars said differently. I could go on and on, but it will just make me more upset. And then Brittany brings home the yearbook and we find that Brigham's picture isn't in there. He tells me when they came around to his class asking for anyone who didn't have their picture taken yet, he raised his hand and told Mrs. Dresser he needed to but she wouldn't listen to him. I know that probably sounds silly, but I've been in her classroom and can totally see how that would happen...and does happen every day. Just one more reason I am so glad today has finally come!
There's a 5th Grade Memories slide show this morning that I'll get to attend. All the schools let out at 12:05 so Ben and Austin Cook will walk to Subway for lunch. After Brooke gets home, we'll pick them up and then head to the 5th grade pool party. I wanted to do something special for Brigham for surviving this year but with everything else going on (and Barr gone again tonight with a work meeting) and a YM/YW pool pool party tonight I need to go to, all I could do was let him invite a friend to come with us this afternoon to the 5th grade party.
Barr just asked if I wanted to go run with him. Yes, but I need to be showered and ready to go by 6:45 so that I can get all the kids ready and out the door by 7:40. He usually doesn't take into account how long things take. We wouldn't get back from runnng until after 6:30 which would leave me 10 mintues to get ready. Then again he's never gotten all the kids ready for school before. Lunches to pack, breakfast to make, backpacks to get ready, Brittany asking advice on the 4 different outfits she'll try on, getting Brigham's hair to lie down, trying to get Brooke to eat her breakfast and let me do her hair. It's crazy here for that 45 minutes, but I love doing it.
There are people visiting Scotts this week so there are work activities every evening. Last night they all went to an Angels/Dodger game. I'm glad he got to do that, but honestly it would be easier on me if he were out of town rather than showing up to sleep and then waking up to exercise and leave again. At least I don't have to fix a big dinner this week! And he brought me home left overs Monday night.
We have been trying to have Amanda Sheetz over to meet with the missionaries for 2 weeks now. She has cancelled on us 3 times because things have come up. Even though she says she's not trying to get out of it, it's hard not to wonder. We now have it scheduled for Monday evening. Hopefully this time it will work!
About a month ago the Elders challenged us to invite 2 nonmembers to hear the discussions. I talked with Janet Kerkow about coming over, but she politely passed. We've been praying to know who is ready, but still haven't found the right one. Maybe Amanda is.
Tomorrow is Brooke's big dentist appointment where she gets put under anesthesia and has 2 root canals and 5 fillings. She's not scheduled until 11:00 so can't eat or drink anything all morning. That's going to be so hard since she won't understand why. I'm really nervous about tomorrow, but after her screaming Saturday night because of tooth pain, I'm also ready for her to get this done.
Saturday we had Barr's seminary class over for an end-of-the-year party. They were a little crazy. After the find the candy in the plate of whipped cream game, 2 of the girls totally got into a whipped cream fight, rubbing it all over each other. That turned into a major water fight which lasted almost an hour. Everyone had to get in the hot tub to warm up after getting soaked with hose water. They seemed to have a good time, but Brooke was hysterical with all the yelling and "fighting". I thought it was nice that Barr wanted to have a party for them.
Brittany's up and it's only 6:07. She must be excited for today too! Time to go shower....
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
June 15, 2010
For the most part I have felt Barr and I have had similar views on how to spend money. Financial issues typically don't cause stress in our marriage. Today I was thinking how there are little things that we don't agree on. One is the flower pots on our front porch. He came home one Saturday after taking Brittany to Home Depot and had 2 big clay pots with beautiful flowers in them. He set them just on the edge of our front porch and they look very nice. We have tried flowers and plants there before and they have always died. They get too much sun and I tell him I don't want to have to remember to water them every day. For some reason that one extra thing of things I have to do everyday is just too much. I guess if I felt like it was really important, but we have beautiful blooming bushes all around our front yard. I don't think we need anything else. So of course, this new set of flowers dies, but he's persistant. I guess while he and Brigham were throwing the football around, one of the pots broke. So he actually bought another one and 2 new flowers and now we're doing it again. I noticed today that they flowers are wilting, but did I go and fill up the watering can? No.
Another example is one of our landscape lights that lines the sidewalk is broken. A neighbor tripped on it and the stem cracked. So I went to Home Depot and Lowes trying to replace it but neither store carries it. I called Synda to see where she bought it from and it was Home Depot. So our only option is to order it online for over $100! My vote is just not replace it. I don't care if we're short a light. Who even looks at them anyway? I never do. But Barr thinks it's worth the money. So what do you do?
You go outside and cut your husband's hair since he's waiting for you. That's what you do. At least we both agree that it's not worth paying a barber when I can use the clippers!
Another example is one of our landscape lights that lines the sidewalk is broken. A neighbor tripped on it and the stem cracked. So I went to Home Depot and Lowes trying to replace it but neither store carries it. I called Synda to see where she bought it from and it was Home Depot. So our only option is to order it online for over $100! My vote is just not replace it. I don't care if we're short a light. Who even looks at them anyway? I never do. But Barr thinks it's worth the money. So what do you do?
You go outside and cut your husband's hair since he's waiting for you. That's what you do. At least we both agree that it's not worth paying a barber when I can use the clippers!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Tuesday part 2
Back from the game. Tough one to watch. After an undefeated season, it's hard to see your team lose 8-1. Lots of errors, Brigham struck out both times up to bat, poor umpiring...And I lost it with Brooke again. Potty training for over a year isn't easy. She is so good sometimes and stays dry and pees when I put her on the toilet. And then there is most of the time, like today. Her bus broke down so she was an hour late and soaked all the way down to her ankles. Then I was rushing after taking Ben to buy the Alice in Wonderland DVD to make it Brigham's game and I didn't want to take the time to bring her inside and make her try to go so I just dropped off Ben and Austin and went straight to the game. Of course I regretted my decision when I tried to get her out at the game and realized her night time diaper didn't hold it all in yet again. I had no dry pants and she was upset crying "pee, pee" the whole time I dragged her up to the bathrooms. Sometimes I just feel tired of the hassle: the taking off her shoes, changing her diaper, her pulling on my hair so she doesn't lose her balance trying to get her pants back on, the crying on the toilet to get off...I got upset and talked meanly to her. I know I hurt her feelings. And I was telling myself the while time to calm down, she can't help it. The poor girl had to sit through the baseball game with wet pants. And she did it happily. She ate trail mix and her cheese stick and cheered on the boys with a smile on her face. She teaches me about forgiveness every day. She's never mad at me even when I get mad at her. I need to recommit every day to practice patience because I never want to feel again the way I did tonight. As I tucked her into bed and we were talking about our day she said, "baseball game, pee, Mommy mad". Never again...however unrealistic it may be, it's a good goal.
Tuesday, June 1st
Jack Rabbit! I can't believe I didn't say that until like 7:30, but I still won because Barr has never really caught on to that tradition. This morning Brittany left for Science camp for 4 days. We are really going to miss her. She had to be there on time so we were and she was the first one to school! An hour later when I was coming home from dropping off Brooke, the buses still hadn't left. I'm glad she likes to be on time and follow the rules. I'm worried she got hungry though since she has to eat every 2 or 3 hours since her metabolism is so fast. I tried to convince her to put a granola bar in her backpack, but she said the rules said no food so she wouldn't!
Ben has a furlow day so he watched a lot of TV and youtube while I went with Allison Skinner to the temple. It's our Stake temple day so I had signed up initially to go tonight with Barr, but he's in Vegas and Brigham has his championship baseball game tonight. It was nice to go in the morning, but a little weird to do sealings without Barr. Holding hands with Peter Lamb wasn't quite the same! It was fun to get to know Allison better. She's going through her second divorce so hearing about her bad marriages made me very grateful for Barr. In fact, doing the sealing session also made me realize I can be a better spouse. Yesterday he wanted to go on a bike ride but could tell from my reaction that I didn't want him to so he went shopping with us instead. Now I'm feeling selfish.
I need to go feed Brigham and get ready for the game...
Ben has a furlow day so he watched a lot of TV and youtube while I went with Allison Skinner to the temple. It's our Stake temple day so I had signed up initially to go tonight with Barr, but he's in Vegas and Brigham has his championship baseball game tonight. It was nice to go in the morning, but a little weird to do sealings without Barr. Holding hands with Peter Lamb wasn't quite the same! It was fun to get to know Allison better. She's going through her second divorce so hearing about her bad marriages made me very grateful for Barr. In fact, doing the sealing session also made me realize I can be a better spouse. Yesterday he wanted to go on a bike ride but could tell from my reaction that I didn't want him to so he went shopping with us instead. Now I'm feeling selfish.
I need to go feed Brigham and get ready for the game...
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